Hodgepodge

POSITION: Mother, Mom, Mama

JOB DESCRIPTION: Long-term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often-chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24-hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the
physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat
in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be
willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously
sluggish toilets, and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars, and
coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize
social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be
indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product
safety testing of a half-million cheap, plastic toys and battery-operated devices. Must always
hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for
the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial
work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a
continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this! You pay them, Offering frequent raises and bonuses!
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help
them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest
thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and only wish you could do
more.

BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid
holidays, and no stock options are offered, this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal
growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

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